Jokes

Two Ladies Fighting For A Seat In A Bus ..

Bus Conductor: The Older One Should Sit Here

Both Looked At Each Other
And The Seat Remained Empty 😛

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.

To make a woman happy ….. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious

Wife: (standing in front of mirror) I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me compliment?
Husband: Your eyesight is still excellent !

One Man: Why are all these people running?
Other Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
One Blond: If only winner will get the cup, why are others running?

Gossip reports are suggesting that Siddharth Mallya has dumped Deepika Padukone to date Sonam Kapoor!

Dhoni, who was criticised for batting slowly in yesterday’s ODI Australia,
compensated by scoring 13 runs in the last over to give India an exciting win!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

As they were talking, they were interrupted by people describing their health problems and asking the doctor for medical advice.

After an hour of this, the doctgor asked the lawyer,”What do you do to stop people asking you for legal advice when you are out of office?”

The lawyer replied,”I give them the advice, and then the next day I send them a bill for the advice. They pay the bill, and never ask me for advice outside the office again.”

The doctor was surprised but decided to try it.

College Days:-

TV – 3 ghanta
PC – 2 ghanta
Sona – 12 ghanta
Khelna – 3 ghanta
Dost – 2 ghanta
GF/BF – 2 ghanta

Aur padhai
.
.
.
.
!!! GHANTA !!!

A student attached 1000 Rs note to his exam answer sheet & wrote :
“Re.10 for 1 mark”
Paper was checked by Santa
.
.
.
He sent him Rs.720 back & wrote:
“U got 28 marks, keep the balance”.

Raghupati raghav raja ram
aisa var dena Bhagwan,
subah ko uthke jo chai banaye,
chai banakar mujhe uthaye
phir kahe ise peeo meri jaan…
isa var dena Bhagwan !
Dopahr ko jab wo break mein aaye,
aake jaldi se lunch banaye,
phir kahe ise chakho meri jaan…
isa war dena Bhagwan !
Sham ko jab wo office se aaye,
sare din ki kamaai pakdaaye,
phir kahe ise udao meri jaan…
isa war dena Bhagwan !

General Motors doesn’t have a help line for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did….
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Your cars stink!”
HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?”
CUSTOMER: “It crashed, that’s what went wrong!”
HELPLINE: “What were you doing?”
CUSTOMER: “I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t even start up!”

I talk, he talk; Why do you beech beech talk?
(beech, beech = middle, middle)
Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in”!
“Why are you naat filupping the blanks ?”
Maro saale ko:: Hit the brother in law
“Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside”
“Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body”
“Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in”
Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter
continue her studies or get her married :
“Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu
marry her, then marry her .”

Teacher : “Which is more important to us the or the moon?”

Pupil : “The moon”.
Teacher : “Why?”
Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun
gives us light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.

Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.

Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot !”

Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.

Life
without WOMANS……

*********************

The result

Markets silent…

Streets empty…

The police at rest…

All mobile companies in loss…

No sms …

No Flowers…

No Valentine…

No Candles…

No Perfumes…

Not many vehicles on road

All the MAN directly to Heaven . . .

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Every time!

Wife: No darling, it means,

With Idiot For Ever

************

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I’d be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.

************

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping

Pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

************

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle

If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further

M0ral:
always Keep a SPARE TYRE….

Boy1:Meet my wife Tina
Boy2.Oh! I know her
Boy1:How?
Boy2:v were caught sleeping together
Boy1:What the hell?
Boy2.during lecture in maths class

To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special ‘No Excuse Sunday.’

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,’Sunday is my only day to sleep in.’
They will have steel helmets for those who say, ‘The roof will cave in if I ever came to church.’
Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
There will be hearing aids for those who say, ‘The pastor speaks too softly,’ and cotton for those who say, ‘He preaches too loudly.’

Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he answered, as if offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house. At 1:00 p.m., a two-pound box of chocolates was delivered. The designer dress arrived at 3:00.

When her husband came home, the woman ran to meet him and threw her arms around his neck, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”.

Who Reads Newspapers?
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

–The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

–The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.

–USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t understand The Washington Post.

–The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time.

–The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers
1. He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the
question.
3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing
www.purina.com instead of working.
6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
7. He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”.
8. It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.

Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of WIFE.
It means…Without Information Fighting Everytime!
WIFE satys No, it means –
With Idiot for Ever.

Manmohan Singh – We are sending Indians to the moon next year.

Bush – Wow! How Many?

Manmohan Singh – 100- 25 – OBC, 25 – SC, 20 – ST, 5 – Handicapped, 5 – Sports Persons ,5 – Terrorist Affected, 5 – Kashmiri Migrants, 9 – Politicians, and if possible 1 – Astronaut

As a Bachelor
____________________________________

Takdir hai, magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi milti!

As a Lover
____________________________________
Takdir hai, magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon,
mumtaz mil gayi hai magar
woh shaadi nahi karti

As a married one
____________________________________
Takdir hai, magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi marti