Asma Anjum Khan
Not another selfie video. That was my first thought when I saw you swaying along the river.
How wrong I was.
Dear Ayesha, we failed you, and the likes of you, yet again.
Again and again.
As is our habit, without delay, we pronounced, suicide is Haram (impermissible).
We are Haram Police.
But Haram were also the deeds of your husband that pushed you to this.
Your murderer was not only your husband but we all have played a role in it.
If that greedy monster was harassing you this long the only option was khulaa (a form of divorce that can be sought by the wife), but you knew how we demean a woman who opts for it. A woman wanting to restart her life after the first marriage fails?
Whatttt? Unimaginable!
Earlier they buried girls when she was born, now we leave her dying, every moment. We even succeed in making her regret her entire existence.
This is called an advanced tech on this side of the world. We also refuse to take any blame for this.
How clever of us.
Not just dowry, some of us are denied our basic human rights, in many places. Things that come naturally to a man become taboo for a woman.
We women are frightened to the core.
Of opening up.
Of saying something, even discreetly, different from the accepted narrative.
What is ‘accepted’ for the girl takes us to what is ‘expected’ of her.
We murdered you dear Ayesha. We all did. Our attitudes did.
Our hypocrisy played a big part in your murder.
On the one hand, we are never tired of proclaiming proud and rightly so; how Islam gives full rights to women and frees them from the shackles that cultural patriarchy and misogyny imposes.
Let me clarify, patriarchy and misogyny are not limited to any one community; it operates democratically.
Islam gives us every due right of ours but do Muslims do the same?
No.
Muslims are burdened under their culture and forget the teachings of Islam.
They have only expectations from us, fulfilling which is like walking on a tight rope. Your feet must be bleeding, my Ayesha.
But no, neither could you complain nor could stop to smile.
I can guess why you took the extreme step.
We are merciless to a woman who despite trying for years in her marriage and still failing, wants to give up.
Divorcee?
That is such a bad word.
You were helpless, surrounded by those hounds and you could not bear seeing your tired parents, having to fight the fight, for you, on behalf of you.
It is too straining, my girl. I know.
Being a good girl is so tiring.
They ask you to stick to your marriage, without any complaints. To continue to slog harder and harder, as if you are a machine with no desires or a mind of your own. Our society does not allow a woman to end her marriage even if she has enough reasons. I have seen women being asked or themselves have put up with husbands who have mistresses; husbands who beat wives black and blue at their whims; husbands/in laws who demand her whole salaries and expect her to work like a maid in their homes. The whole society comes down on us like ‘vultures in waiting’ if we have some marital discord.
All faults must be ours, no?
The woman’s.
But Ayesha,
I have a big complaint against you.
Why didn’t you think about your father?
Remember, how he kissed you repeatedly when he first held you in his arms, the tiny sweet bundle that you were?
How he couldn’t bear your pain.
Why didn’t you think of your Mom?
That woman who made her nights, a day for you.
How could you forget? How could you just let it go? Just like that?
How did it become so easy for you?
Was it because you felt your love was not reciprocated?
Because your hubby told you point blank to go drown in the Sabarmati and also shoot a video before it?
I could see you loved him deeply, deeper than that Sabarmati you chose to drown in just behind you.
But isn’t it time for us women to realize, no one is or should be the centre of our existence?
Their “No”, should not break us.
Should we not try to be strong from within, and should we not learn to rely on our own selves for our well being, for our happiness?
You accepted him as your criteria.
Wrong, my child, very wrong.
You gave him the power, to make you or break you.
Remember my child, my heart breaks into pieces writing this, but, were we women not wrong in granting this power to him?
Isn’t it our fault too?
Why don’t we keep this power to ourselves?
Why should someone’s words break us to the extent that we take our lives?
I am dumbfounded. No words can express my helplessness.
Shouldn’t we women be emotionally stronger?
Should we not learn to take care of ourselves?
Should we not know, by now, that men, in general, are unavailable to us, emotionally?
And that some situations are best handled without delving deep into emotions.
You took your life for a vulgar man who was into obscene talks with his girlfriend, right in front of you?
You kept mum all those three years? Why didn’t you just leave him?
Aah!
We have come back, full circle.
We fear the ostracization for the crimes we never committed.
Isn’t it funny?
Any guess, why men act with such impunity?
Because they know, no one is going to confront them for their deceit. Their abuse will be dismissed with, this is how men are.
The department of questioning and ostracizing, invites women only into its gas chambers.
Men know well, they are going to go scot free.
Hence, things continue.
A woman is expected to continue in the same house where she is beaten black and blue, or ignored, neglected like she doesn’t exist or where her rights are not recognized even, leave alone respected. A slight variation in her stance is enough to raise those same eye brows that hover over those same eyes that do not blink when a woman is tortured, her life is made hell.
In such a scenario what can a woman do?
We ask helplessly.
I will tell you.
She should refuse to take it lying down.
She should be courageous enough to refuse, to suffer inhuman treatment.
She should be a fighter, not a grumpy mouseling.
Nothing wrong in putting up a fight when your rights are trampled.
Yes, I know, we are taught and trained from the beginning to be good, docile, submissive, expected to be giving up even our rightful claims. And we do it because our mothers did it, our sisters did it.
And then we too start doing it.
Mute, dumb and dumbfounded.
Aisha, didn’t you feel like changing yourself ? Getting rid of all this crap?
Starting anew?
Why should we be afraid of getting rid of the evil?
But, when we complain about our marital problems ,we are told , things will be fine, one day.
“Only if we put up with whatever…. is being dished out to us”.
Nodding your head and trying to move on is taken as the panache for all our marital problems. And lo and behold, you become that ideal woman, wife and mother.
This, they say, is important for the continuation of the institution of family but aren’t men part of the same institution? Should it not be fifty-fifty for both of them?
Aisha, your father says, we must save the Aishas who are still with us.
How?
By making them financially independent?
By assuring them that, a husband is not the be all and end all of our existence.
That you have an existence, outside of him.
That you are responsible for your own happiness and you don’t grant this power to your husband or to anyone else.
That getting married alone is not the one and only goal of your life.
That you should never marry a person who demands dowry.
That you too shall not bring in wealth as the criterion for choosing your partner.
That you should talk to the prospective groom in the presence of your elders, to know if you two are compatible, emotionally intellectually, temperamentally.
That you should not allow him or his people to treat you disrespectfully.
And never ever to hit you!
And what if he does?
Then you should raise a hue and cry, the very first time; gather every relation, neighbour in the immediate vicinity, and tell them about it.
This should scare him into not repeating the offence.
Secrecy breeds injustice.
And for the rest of us, I would say; weigh your words, you don’t need a Google search to know, which questions need to be asked and which to be avoided, while talking about such issues,
Remember it is our queries which make the lives of Aishas, hell.
Advise genuinely if you can or just Shutup.
I pray Allah takes you into Jannah, my child, He is all forgiving,
He is the most merciful.
Lots of love
Wish I could hug you.