Dear Coleen, I’ve been with my partner for 11 years – she’s 64 and I’m 67. It may seem an odd question, but how can I turn her on?
I should know how at my age, but over the past few years our sex life has dwindled and we don’t even engage in foreplay, which used to keep us happy.
She went to the doctor and he set up some counselling for her, but when it came to joint sessions, she packed it in. It was the same story with Relate.
I have diabetes so do suffer erection problems. My doctor prescribed Viagra, but I never got the chance to try it out because we never made love. Her latest thing is saying, “If you want that, you’d best find someone else”. We are perfect for each other in every other way. I’m at my wits’ end, I hope you can help.
Coleen says..
I know there will be many women out there still having regular sex at your partner’s age and beyond, but I do think for a lot of women it does become less important.
It’s almost like your body’s saying, “Right, I’ve done what I’m here to do (have a family), my job’s done”. So, in the same way your diabetes has been an issue for you, the change in her hormones could play a big part in why she’s now less interested in sex. It might be worth her seeing her GP to talk it over, though.
I honestly think, though, that sometimes you have to just ignore what your body’s telling you and make the decision to do it anyway. There have been plenty of times when I haven’t felt like it at all, but within a minute of starting, I find I’m really into it. Sometimes you do have to make that mental shift – even though you feel you’re not really in the mood for it.
The thing about counselling is that it takes time before you start seeing the benefit – one or two sessions simply aren’t enough. Can you convince her to go back to it and give it a proper shot? Try not to put too much pressure on her on a day-to-day basis. Ease off a bit, otherwise you may find this could turn into a real trauma.
But still let her know you love her and find her sexually attractive, and perhaps ask if there’s anything you can do to help the situation. Try to rebuild some intimacy outside of the bedroom by doing nice things together – make her feel special.
It’ll help things in the bedroom, too. However, if you find she’s not interested in anything you suggest, you need to ask yourself if you could be content to live without having sex for the rest of your life.
I had a friend who decided in her 40s that she wasn’t going to have sex again, but she stayed with her husband. He did go off and have sex elsewhere and she was OK with it because she simply wasn’t interested.
–Agencies–