Jokes

Husband: Tumse shaadi karke mujhe ek bahut bada faayda hua hai!

Wife: Woh kya?

Husband: Mujhe mere gunaaho ki saza jeete jee hi mil gayi!

Ek sahebji ghabraye hue aaye aur biwi se bole: “Begam, aaj main office se aa raha tha ki raste mein ek gadha…!”

Itne mein unki bachhi bol uthi: “Mummy, Shyam ne meri gudiya tod di hai.” Pati ne phir kehna shuru kiya “Haan toh begam, main keh raha tha ki raste mein ek gadha…..!”

Itne mein unka ladka bola: “Mummy, Rita ne meri car tod di hai.”

Biwi ghusse mein aakar boli: “Bhagwan ke liye tum sab chup ho jao, mujhe pehle gadhe ki baat sun lene do..!”

Ek sharabi ne bahut zyada sharab pee le. Jab woh ghar aaya to uss ne jeb se chabi nikali aur tala ko kholney laga.

Haath kaapne ke wajha se chabi kabhi idhar hat jati kabhi udhar hat jati, ek admi pass se guzra toh sharabi ne usey bataya ki tala nahi khul rahi hai.

Uss shaks ne sharabi ke pass ja kar kaha, “lao chabi tala main khol deta hoon”

Aur phir sharabee ne kaha, “Tala toh main hi kholonga bas tum makan ko pakar ke rakhna”

Pappu ne car li loan pe, loan nahi chuka pane se bank wale car utha ke le gaye
Pappu rote hue, ‘Pehle pata hota to shadi bhi loan le ke karta’.

Ek police Inspector ke ghar chori ho rahi thi.

Wife: Utho ji, ghar mein chori ho rahi hai.

Police Inspector: Mujhe sone de, main iss time duty par nahi hoon.

Ek aadmi ne ek gawar naukar rakh liya aur usse samjhaya ki kissi ke naam lene se pahle JEE laga diya kare.

Thori der baad naukar bhagta hua aya aur bola…

“sahebji sahebji kutteji ne murgiji ko pakar liya hai.”

Wife: Woh admi jo drink kar raha hai, Usko maine 10 saal pehle shadi ke liye inkaar kia tha. Dekho who aaj tak sharab pee raha hai!

Husband: Wow! itni lambi celebration!

Sardar : O banno car ki speed itni kyon badha di?

Banno : Oji car ki break fail ho gayi hai, accident ho jaye iske pehle ghar pahunch jaate hain….!

Pathan Kaun Banega Crorepati Mein:

Q: What is you father name?

Pathan: Plz Options?

A. Dilawar
B. Changez
C. Feroz
D. Sultan

Pathan: Life line 50/50

A. Dilawar
C. Feroze

Pathan: Audience Vote.
75% Dilawar
25% Feroze

Pathan: I want to use My last life line “Phone a friend.”
Kisko call karengy?

Pathan: Apne baap dilawar ko!

Mayawati came to Lalu’s house with a goat…
Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun layi ho?

Maya : Dikhta nahi, goatwa hai.
Lalu : Hum goatwa se hi puch raha hu!!!

==>Rajnikant has counted to infinity-twice.

==>When Rajnikant does pushups, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the earth down.

==>Rajnikant doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is!!

==>Rajnikant’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

==>Rajnikant grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

==>The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Rajnikant kicked one of the corners off.

==>Rajnikant once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills, they just made him blink.

Ek chota baccha bahut der se ghar ke bahar khada darwaje ki ghanti bajane ki kosish kar raha tha.Toh ek budha aadmi aaya aur kaha:

Budha aadmi: Kya kar rahe ho beta?

Baccha: Uncle, yeh ghanti bajana chahta hoon.

Budha aadmi (ghanti bajake): Yeh lo bajgaya, ab kya hai?

Baccha: Ab bhago!

Santa: What do you want to become in your next life?

Banta: A cockroach.

Santa: Why?

Banta: Kyun ki meri wife sirf cockroach se hi darti hai.

Rabri : Ka karat ho?
Laalu : Ek dost ko chitthi likhat hu!

Rabri : Par tuhar likhna to aawe nahi.
Laalu : Vo sasura bhi to padhna nahi jaanat.

Laloo to his P.A.: Itne khiladi kyun football ko laat maar rahe hai?

P.A.: Goal kar ne k liye.

Laloo: Susra, ball toh pahle se hi gol hai aur kitna gol karenge!

Two friend are talking about winter season. One friend asked to another friend, “Can you tell who falls in big problem in winter season?”

The friend told, “I’ve no idea.”

The friend replied, “Its the thief. The thief cannot pic-pocket as people put their hands in the pants pocket.”

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller operator

Caller: I’m Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?

Santa: Yaar aaj pehli bar maine accha kaam kya, jiss par logon ne mujhe bohat mara!

Banta: Woh kya..

Santa: Ek makan mein aag lagi thi, aur andar kuch log thay, maine window tori aur andar ja kar sab logon ko bahar nikal diya.

Banta: Toh logon ne kyun mara

Santa: Yaar, kyun ke woh sab log fire fighter thay!

Wife: Aji suniye, mujhe kisi mehengi jaga le ke chaliye na ji….

Husband: Chalo, tayyar ho jao…

Guess where he took her….
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Petrol pump!!!

Santa : I tried your number so many times, it always said ‘Switched Off’!

Banta : Nahi Pape, it’s my HELLO TUNE!

Bhola: Itne kum marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.

Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine oos master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.

Judge – You are crossing the limits.
Lawyer – Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai?
Judge – How dare you call me saala?
Lawyer – My Lord, I said kaun ‘Sa Law’ kehta hai?

Baap bete se: Car mein puncture kaise ho gaya?

Beta: Sadak par bottle padi thi.

Baap: Bottel dikhayi nahi di tujhe!

Beta: Ladke ki jeb mein thi.

Police Inspector : Have you caught the thief?
Hawaldar : No, but I found some trace of him.

Police Inspector : What?
Hawaldar : Finger prints.

Police Inspector : Where?
Hawaldar : On my cheeks.

A rich man needed blood for his heart surgery.

He got it from a poor Bania.

The rich man gave him 5 million dollars. Once again the rich man needed blood for surgery.

Bania was more than happy to donated blood again. This time, the rich just gave him a Cadburyes Chocolate. Bania asked the reason.

The rich man now replied: “Now I also have Bania’s blood in my body.”